What Time Heals

September 2022

What Time Heals: A glimpse of what the present looks like.

The weight of the world lies on my shoulders

Each day, they hunch even further

Unable to bear the pain

But giving up?

No

That was never an option

Not yesterday

Not today

And I hope not ever

It's hard

But I carry the weight

In an attempt to take a step at a time and move forward

Towards whatever it is I am meant to achieve

Because I do believe

That there will be a day

When this weight is no longer on my shoulders

When I'm free to run

At full speed

Towards that finish line

Until then

I try

Endlessly

I wrote this piece over 3 years ago while on a walk at Carlton Gardens in Melbourne. I wrote whatever was pouring out of my head. I still remember the feelings, the panic, the uncertainty, the "weight". Looking back, I can say that the ambiguity of that phase, the confusion of finding one's place in the world, was muddled through every thought.

Typing this poem up here, I cringed at what I wrote; the overexaggeration of emotions, the horrendous writing. What was I even trying to say?

But that's the thing, I wasn't trying to 'say' anything. I was trying to make sense of something that felt bigger than I could understand.

Is this the person I want to be?

What am I going to do with my future?

Is this where I want to be?

Do I even understand life?

For context, it had been around 9 months since I came to Melbourne, I was in the third year of my undergraduate degree (I had done half of it online because of COVID-19), and I had absolutely no idea of what I was going to do. Studying psychology as a major meant that I most likely needed to pursue further studies, but I had no experience to guide me in which direction I wanted to take. I was unsure whether I was living up to the person I've wanted to become, because the life I was living now was so different from what I had lived before. The mindsets around me were so different from what I hope to be. So I couldn't help but question, is this who and where I want to be?

Now, over 3 years later, I want to give her, the younger me, an answer. So here it is:

Hi Anushka,

The world was never on your shoulders

It was never meant for you to carry

And while you like to think you are Atlas

You were never condemned,

To his fate.

Though you chose it at times,

Adding weights that were never yours to carry

Hunching over for things you didn't need to take

You never needed to worry so much.

Anushka,

You never needed to worry at all.

I know it is only human,

and you will worry even years from now.

But I will tell you this,

Three years have passed,

And all those worries from the past,

They don't exist anymore.

Because here is a thing about life,

It always works in your favour,

If you are willing to trust in its time.

Allow it time,

Because you will meet a friend,

Who will shape the career you decide

In your dimly lit room,

With a thousand fairylights

She will tell you,

That this path will turn out right.

You will meet new people,

Make new memories with your experiences

You'll find different versions of you

And you may even get lost along the way.

It's important to get lost,

It's how you'll find your own way.

A lot will change,

You will have to shift priorities,

You will experience work.

And one day,

You will open your laptop after days,

And find an internship posting that you'd left open

Applications are closing today.

And you might,

Might almost,

Decide that it's too much of an effort to apply

But then the voice in your head chimes

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take"

So you do it,

You apply.

And in that moment,

You literally change your life.

You learn so much,

You graduate with your master's,

While continuing to work at that company

You get converted to permanent

And just like that,

You have your first job,

With a team that constantly,

Support you to grow,

Believing in your capabilities,

Sometimes more than you know.

So Anushka,

Hear me,

And hear me well.

The world was never on your shoulders,

It was there for you to hold,

In the palm of your hands.

It has always been the blessing,

never the weight,

Though sometimes you do need to learn

To wait.

So Anushka,

It is really as simple as this:

Life has a way of unfolding itself

Trust in it,

And you'll always,

Always find a way to thrive.

With love,

Anushka Umap